**Life After Trauma, Anxiety and Crisis **
– BY PROF. NIVIN EL LULU – HALILI
I celebrated my 20th birthday in 2002. It was a particularly happy day and like every happy teenage girl, I was thrilled to receive beautiful gifts that delighted me. I felt more mature and settled than my teenage years. Everything around me seemed rosy until July 27, 2002 – a day I will never forget!!!! That day started like any other day, I woke up in a great mood, happy and delighted. My dear sister Shirin, came over to my house as we had planned to go out to dinner that evening with my family, my boyfriend, and my two little kids. Shirin, my older sister by a year, had just gotten married and was still in her honeymoon phase. We’re very close despite being only sisters with no other siblings. Shirin arrived at 8 pm as planned and we left together for Tel Aviv for a festive dinner. We parked our car near the restaurant on a two-way street while Shirin and her husband parked across the street. As Shirin was crossing the street, suddenly a recklessly speeding cursed car arrived and the worst happened – it hit Shirin directly. A terrible car accident. As a result of this traumatic accident, Shirin became “a broken vessel” – her soul is alive but her body is 150% disabled.
Eleven years have passed and Shirin has been bedridden, barely able to sit on a wheelchair, understanding but struggling to express her feelings, comprehending but unable to respond. Of course she can’t walk, not even stand like everyone around her. Shirin remains frozen in time from that terrible accident at the age of 20. This painful image hasn’t changed and remains traumatic. As a result, I went into a deep depression, anxiety, feelings of personal guilt – what will become of her? Is it possible to witness open miracles? Will I ever get to formally celebrate with Shirin again? These days, my mother has super powers, stronger than anyone else. She is the one who is always at my sister’s side, caring for the “wilted flower,” procuring the best equipment and accessories for her and on her behalf. They say mothers are one of a kind, but she truly deserves a “medal and certificate of appreciation.” I have learned so much from her, practically everything. My mother is a spiritual believing woman who believes in destiny. She believes everything happens for a reason and we need to learn how to cope with it. She has empowered me and my brother, the men of the house. Mom who “stood like a pillar” strengthened me greatly.
After a period of anxiety, I cheered up a bit and even felt I was coping with the situation, my depression receding. I kept searching -what can be done and how to get out of depression and constant anxiety? I created a new reality. I completed 12 years of studies, graduated high school with honors and a matriculation certificate. I then found time to try out my skills in business. Mom mentored me and gave me a business for my livelihood. Soon thereafter, I realized my place was still in studies, broadening my education.
Like most people, I struggled my whole life. I started studying, from Bachelors in Psychology straight into Masters in Applied Educational Psychology with a Counseling Expertise and even a PhD. I remained curious and continued studying hypnosis, group counseling, diagnostic didactics, human sexuality, normal human and abnormal development, NLP to understand human thinking ability and cognitive ability. I also studied reincarnation, read extensively about the universe, the human brain, the power of thought and where thoughts emanate from. I worked hard funding all my studies, overcame difficulties and obstacles. I battled anxiety, built a good reputation through hard work. I was proud of myself and all the good I do. I achieved self-fulfillment, realized some dreams, reached goals I set for myself. I lectured undergraduates and post-graduate students. I felt satisfied with all I did until I celebrated my 30th birthday in 2012 and again on June 6th 2012 I personally went through trauma. Extremely difficult relationship circumstances undermined me, my health, career, financial situation seemed irreparably bleak and I saw no way out of the accumulating difficulties attacking me from all sides. **And then it happened!**
Lots of sleepless nights full of endless crying, anger, incomprehension, at everyone, at life itself, until I started understanding what was happening to me. I started flipping through research where I found a saying “You create your own future, everything happening is your own creation.” I said to myself, make this for the best, look at the obstacle and see what you can learn from it.
I read “Manifesting Thought” by Dr. Vladimir Petsho. The unbelievable happened! I discovered a secret that completely changed my life. I understood everything can change, can be corrected and you can live a new self-designed life. I discovered 10 keys to happiness, each key leads you to a new world to change your life, relationships, luck, family/marital relations, career, education, self-confidence etc. There is still so much you don’t know or understand about yourselves.
While researching and writing my book and PhD dissertation, I read an article in Reader’s Digest stating an astonishing fact that every second person dislikes their work!! Maybe 1 in 2 people would prefer a different job or work in a completely different field?
For years, researchers have studied the biographies of successful people to find answers to two important questions:
- **How do some people achieve more success than others?**
- **Why does it seem some people have the knowledge and talent to achieve great success yet their standard of living is significantly lower than expected?**
I desperately wanted to know why some people gain tremendous success, happiness and prosperity. Until I discovered the key found in every person – the “Motivation”
**The first type of motivation is survival motivation:**
The first psychologist, Abraham Maslow, said “the most important driving force of humans is the drive to ‘survive’.”
The survival drive is what forces people to meet basic needs like food, water and air. When a person lacks one of these basic necessities, a basic internal trigger alerts the nervous system in the brain about the specific shortage. The speed at which the nerve cells move causes the body to move and creates an incentive to do whatever is necessary to fill the void. Accordingly, once successful, the body returns to its natural state.
To clarify, I will provide an example of a common trait the lion and gazelle possessed in the jungles. Early mornings, each would start running fast. The lion knew it had to run faster than the gazelle otherwise it would starve to death while the gazelle knew it had to run faster than even the fastest lion otherwise it would become its prey. Despite neither wanting to run, they had no choice but to run fast in order to survive.
For instance, you return home after an exhausting work day with no energy left to do anything so you decide to rest in front of the TV. Suddenly you hear someone shout “Fire! Fire!” What would you do? Naturally, you would leave the place as fast as possible!!! But where did you get the energy you were previously lacking? The answer is that the energy awoke and intensified.
Therefore, whatever your lifestyle, if your existence was threatened, you would stay alert and your motivation to save yourself would heighten.
So I need to always imagine I possess such motivation and ponder how much power I could harness and how many more good things I could accomplish.
**The second type of motivations are external motivations:**
External motivations originate from our external lives like friends or family, bosses at work etc. The problem is external motivations quickly fade. =
Let me ask you:
If your boss at work greets you with a nice smile….does it impact you? Whereas if the opposite occurs, the greeting is dry without a hello or smile, does that also influence your day?… Undoubtedly it would impact your day or possibly even your mental state long term.
Unfortunately people heavily rely on external motivations to gain appreciation from managers, friends and family. We constantly need to satisfy others and always love being valued, wanting people to look at us with respect in order to feel our own self-worth. Possibly dependent on things not necessarily stemming from our core.
**The American author Benjamin Franklin said “Other people’s perspectives of us will destroy us…..If everyone around me were blind except for myself, I wouldn’t need fancy clothes, a beautiful house or lavish furniture.”**
**The American psychologist William James said “If you were dependent on others for approval, you would be at the mercy of a great deceiver.”**
I read in research and journals that most insurance companies hold annual sales competitions amongst their sales agents. The agent who reaches the highest sales percentage wins an all-expense paid vacation for a couple to one of the world’s most beautiful islands. Agents whose average weekly commissioned sales reaches 20,000 NIS, achieve sales of 30,000 NIS during competition week, meaning he makes a great effort to win the competition prize and his sales percentage rises 50%. But the week after the competition ends, his sales plummet to 10,000 NIS per week!
Why does this happen? Despite it being the same agent working for the same company selling the same service in the same market, his motivations changed. Herein lies the problem of external motivations – their impact quickly diminishes.
Another example….after completing my Bachelors degree, I expected my family to celebrate with me and give me small gifts or words of appreciation. A few people did say “Mazal Tov” and how great it was but I still expected more written appreciation…..I waited but nothing came. So I wrote an appreciation to myself “Dear Nivin, congratulations on your diligence and reaching the goal you dreamed of for years, I personally greatly appreciate you and wish you tremendous success. I dated and signed below. A close girlfriend asked me what was that? What are you doing Nivin? A surprised facial expression. I answered her “Believe me I expected to receive wishes and appreciation in writing from those close to me but no one wrote so there’s no one who appreciates me as I do myself, so I wrote to myself and I’m very happy and delighted about it.” After several days, some girlfriends sent me flower bouquets and I even received written appreciation from them.
**Mark Twain said “You may expect something to happen that will give you personal satisfaction and happiness but you are the one who can ensure your own happiness, if you provide it to yourself.”**
So from then on, every time I accomplish a goal or achievement in life that I dreamed of, I treat myself to a pampering day or buy myself a new outfit or take myself out to a fancy restaurant or send myself a flower bouquet that I love so much, decorative scented candles. You too can do the same and will notice major positive differences in your lifestyle, you will have inner happiness.
Chinese sage Confucius: said “What the person who proclaims footwear finds within himself and what the masses find in others.”
**The third type of motivation is internal motivation:**
This type of motivation is the strongest and most enduring because internal motivations navigates you via your own intrinsic powers directing you towards great achievements.
For example, that woman married with 5 children, had a decent relationship with her husband since she cared for him in every way as well as her children and household matters. But suddenly her husband abandoned her for another woman. Instead of crying and regretting being deserted, she resolved within herself to cope with this huge challenge. She found work as a cleaning lady in a small hotel. Within less than 5 years, thanks to her diligence and internal motivation, she became the owner of that hotel.
History tells us the story of Helen Keller, the deaf and blind woman who became one of the strongest teachers and authors. But few people mention Anne Sullivan who empowered Helen Keller’s success. She accompanied her through her studies, was her teacher, friend and inspiration, remained at her side for years and believed in Helen’s abilities. Despite having no obligation besides her intrinsic belief stemming from deep within which drove her, in other words her internal motivation directed her.
Internal motivation is the reason regular people perform above average and reach astonishing results….It’s the power behind human success….It’s the difference that clarifies the distinction in people’s lives…..It’s the drive motivating you to sow flowers in your soul instead of waiting for someone to hand them to you….. Internal motivations are the light emanating from our souls, the slumbering giant within anticipating our awakening.
As Ralph Waldo Emerson said “That which we find in front and behind us would be counted pitiful if compared to what is within us.”
The philosopher Socrates was the first to discuss the “causation principle” over 2,000 years ago which modern psychologists call the “cause and effect rule,” meaning every cause has an effect so repeating the same cause always brings the same results. Therefore, I will demonstrate this motivation in 5 steps:
**Step One: Breathing**
Inhale while counting to four then exhale also counting to four. Breathe this way throughout the experiment.
**Step Two: Body Posture**
Sit or stand with your shoulders apart and head raised.
**Step Three: Declaration**
Silently repeat five times “I am strong.” Express it loudly emanating from your body. Repeat out loud five times “I am strong.”
**Step Four: Linking sensations**
Practice your repetitive declarations while linking your feelings using all your senses. Don’t weakly state “I’m strong” nor say “Sometimes I’m strong” or “I might be strong” because you must resolutely declare “I am strong” connected to your sensations.
**Step Five: Emotional Linker**
Is there a song that reminds you of someone? …In these cases, the song expresses an emotional link.
Have you experienced seeing a plane that reminds you of your last vacation or another experience? …Possibly another type of emotional linkage. Has it occurred that a particular scent reminded you of someone? Such instances are also considered linkers.
What is a linker?
When you feel a strong overwhelming sensation while simultaneously listening to a certain song or experiencing an emotional occurrence, all these experiences are emotionally interlinked in your nervous system. To clarify, I will describe an experiment by a Russian scientist named Pavlov who discovered that linking actions can impact physical actions: Pavlov would ring a bell each time he served food to his dog, naturally salivating every time he fed it. After a short period a neurological connection was created between the food provision and bell ring. He later planned to ring the bell without giving his dog food and as a result, the dog salivated immediately upon hearing the bell despite there being no food.
That is human nature too. Smells, images, speech and movements can potentially link and bring specific situations back into our brains to relive past experiences.
Now I want to arouse your enthusiasm almost like an exercise I do twice a week:
When I instruct you to place your hand on a linker shaped as a fist or any other form, you will automatically start breathing strongly envisioning yourself as strong, move your body with force hearing yourself state “I am strong” and feel that intense sensation.
**Let’s Try This Together:**
Think about an experience that highly aroused your enthusiasm. Breathe deeply, spread your shoulders and raise your head. When your sensations feel strong, touch the linker for this experiment while repeating five times “I am strong…I am strong.”
Now lift your hand off the linker and touch it again….What are you feeling now? What do you hear inside? If performed correctly, undoubtedly your enthusiasm escalated.
Practice using the linker several times a day until it becomes second nature. From now on, to reach this level of power all you need to do is touch that specific linker during any of the experiments managing to heighten your enthusiasm.
I now want to suggest a power motivation strategy that greatly helps me in life which I use extensively –
- Buy a memoir book and record at least 3 of your daily successes however minor. It is illogical to claim you have achieved nothing noteworthy since you are still breathing well and possess helpful thoughts and relationships. Inscribe “My friend to success” and read it occasionally as it will rapidly boost your enthusiasm.
- Make a list of things you want to purchase and every time you succeed in an accomplishment buy yourself one of the listed items. Successful actions could be a profitable deal or visiting a friend or controlling your feelings when necessary. Your reward may be taking yourself out to a meal or purchasing a book for example, or watching a comedy etc.
- Do something for yourself once a week like listening to music you enjoy, playing sports or eating a healthy meal or walking somewhere peaceful.
- Utilize the linker 3 times daily while attentively and genuinely training until automatically triggered. Take the practice step by step. These are your lives…..manage them now….continue getting enthusiastic about them.
**Always remember:**
**To enjoy every minute as if it’s your last**
**To live with faith, hope and lots of love**
**To live with effort**
**And appreciate your life**
**Sincerely,**
**Article In Handwriting**
**Prof . Nivin Allulu Halili
